Just moments ago you declared your 2 biggest mistakes are the cat and the phone. Now you're playing and cuddling with the cat, and you just got off the phone. I don't understand why you've been so unhappy and so depressed of late. I really don't get it. I finally confront you, I say you've got everything you can possibly want in your life, why aren't you content and happy like you used to be. You say you just want him to be with you. I tell you its impossible, why do you want and wish for something that's impossible and end up making yourself so depressed. You start to cry. I walk away angrily. What am I to do? I'll probably get retribution for this, but I'm a firm believer of making and finding your own happiness. You've always been so strong for the last 10 years and then SUDDENLY you're so unhappy. Is it cos you're getting old? I don't know how to help you, I can't bring people back from the dead. I wish you'll accept that and focus on what you currently have. I don't know about you, but I've done nothing but try to give you as good a life as I can manage. I work in a decent paying job doing meaningful things that I chose for myself, I stopped taking allowance from you. You don't have to work, because I don't want you to, because you're not as healthy as you used to be. I give you 60% of my salary every month to keep things going. I bring you out, spend time with you, talk to you, bring your abroad. But all you've been is nothing but unhappy. Why? Why do I have to deal with an unhappy you. Why are you unhappy? Because you want something you cannot have. Why. I'm already trying my very best. When we were overseas you made life so difficult for everything and I had to work extra hard to assure you had as best a time.. As you allowed yourself to have. I've been as patient as I possibly could with you and yet you get angry with me for not getting everything your way. Nowadays you lose your temper and throw a tantru over a non-existent problem. Just the other day, because you didn't manage to flag the first cab you made an attempt for, you starting to whine that this next cab is a bad driver and that you didn't want to board. Its completely ridiculous. I ask you why, you said you had a feeling. I force you into the cab anyway, and immediately you calm down. What is wrong with you? At this rate I might just kill myself cos I'm so fucking stressed up. I don't know how to make you happy anymore and you're just going to hold it against me forever. Maybe if I killed myself it'll make you feel better, so you don't have someone to hate for living instead of the person you wished for. Why can't you just see what you have and be grateful? Why can't you just open your mind and take to new things with a positive attitude? I'm going nuts omg. If this goes on I might really just do something drastic cos I can't take all this stress. You've being really mean to me, and I already take a fair load of shit at work. I come home and then you throw more shit on me. Why do you do that? Its just so, so mean of you. Do you hate me that much? If not why do you keep doing this to me?

An argument on train directions.
Al Funghi with tomato cream from mixing the calzone sauce.
Dingy.
Miffy film.
It is trying on headphones and buying pearl aqua Quiksilver board shorts.
Looking for the cable car entrance.
A shaky cable car ride.
Failing in the queue for the Luge.
Going down at full speed and almost toppling over.
Being grossed out by bad slippers on the Korean dude.
Signing indemnify forms and balancing on the Segway.
Oh no, no hands on the Segway!
Sunset in the air.
Forgetting what to get as Daiso.
Hokkaido corn soup and veggie burger.
Portrait sessions in the wind machine with the cat as the latest fashion accessory.
Bad disc.
Driving up and down and to and fro.
Chicken tenders.
Lack thereof teh-o ais limau.
DON DOn Don don.
Loads of rubbish that's more awesome and cheaper than NTUC/Popular.
Neon blue wig!
Snail on a t-shirt.
Spazzing over kitchen rolls and what have you.
Jesus' balls, instant.
No expiry date and airborne honey.
Smack you with a red snapper.
3 types of seafood fishing game, 1000 piece puzzle, Cluedo, penguin step and slide.
Shooting whizzing darts from a Nerf gun in the carpark together with a remote control AMG.
Canned papadum.
Sweet disposition.

<3

I'm not a very good writer. But I feel like I have a lot of things to say today. They're kinda private, so they shall be written here.

Its the first week of 2012 and I'm utterly exhausted. I didn't even realise today was Friday cos I think I've been working too much? I've been sleeping 3-4 hours every night for coming to a week now. I was an hour late for work today, this is only 3 days after the level up. I'm not sure how long more before my body breaks and I fall sick. Actually it already happened but managed to fight it so I'm here today. But I feel my shoulders completely stiff, they hurt. I'm a little bit worried about my heart, there are times this week where it was beating faster than it should. One of the nights last year I had a panic attack and I couldn't breathe. I didn't tell anyone but I stopped all the cutting and folding, popped a pill and went to bed. I think I'm stressed but I'm refusing to acknowledge it. The work is really piling up and now there's no one to guide me along, I'm left to figure this out on my own. I know deep inside that I won't stay here for too long because I dislike the working culture, maybe that's why I've been giving my labour of love everything I've got. I want to make this happen.

Have you ever come across people who tell you things like "you're destined to do big things", "you're meant to go very far" and "I have very high hopes in you, don't disappoint me"? Of course I can't deny that it's flattering, but at the same time I feel very pressured. I know I can excel, but I'd much rather people have no expectations so I can surprise them.

Anyway some time this week a thought struck me. If I died tomorrow I can loudly and proudly say I have absolutely no regrets in my life. Cos I live it on the edge. I may not have much money in my bank, but that's cos I spent it on chosen charities, personal indulgences and people I love. I may not have enough sleep or rest, but I've tried my best to pursue what I love. Even if all this kills me, I know I'd die happy.

So today I was thinking I'm gonna start this vegetarian thing again and try really hard. I shall call myself a struggling vegetarian. I can do this, bit by bit. I don't want to announce it out loud because honestly, I don't have confidence in myself. But yeah that, along with riding a bike, losing some weight and picking up a language are some of my resolutions for this year. This year I'd like to go to Europe, attend an SMTOWN concert and have even better skin than last year. Also, I want to grow my hair and do more for the animals. I want to throw Yukio a party and I want to level up Scook.

I love that this was written on a journey home. That reminds me, a new iPhone.

Okaybyez.

So many things I want to say, so many thoughts I don't want to think.

- But if I let you go, I will never know, what my life will be holding you close to me. Will I ever see, you smiling back at me? How will I know, if I let you go.
- I think you already know in your heart it's over. It ended the moment you stopped bothering.
- I think you're in love with the idea of being in love. Some people are just like that.
- I think it was over the moment you told me things will be better for you if you had a girl there.
- I keep saying you won't let me go, but we both know when it really happens I'll be the more emo one. I really hate breakups cos I don't handle them well. Here I am saying I'll be fine but.
- I know I cannot be friends with you after we break up. I know I cannot stand seeing you with someone else that is not me.
- I know you will definitely find someone else, because you're the sort of person who doesn't believe anyone is indispensable or irreplaceable.
- I wish you'd really confront the problems we have and make an effort.
- I wish you'd make the effort.
- I know I said at the beginning if we're meant to be we will be. I know it's still true, if we're meant to be we will still be even if we break up, but I'm afraid to find out.
- I don't know how I'd ever be able to date again, cos I know I will continue to use you as a benchmark.
- I am worried that no one will ever love me the way you do. Not that I need anyone to love me, but it's nice.
- No one is as good for you as I am, and no one will love you the way I do.
- I don't want to be a vacation girlfriend you can conveniently forget about the moment vacation ends.
- I miss the times you missed me, you thought of me, you wrote to me, you communicated with me.
- One of the things I will miss the most is driving on the ECP to PvD. And grocery shopping. And UNIQLO.
- I will miss your mother because she is an amazing mom.
- I won't miss your father, haha!
- Quite the irony, that instead of looking forward to you coming home, I'm now anticipating a negative breakthrough.
- Everyone will ask us why. Oh wells.

When you try your best but you don't succeed, when you get what you want but not what you need, when you feel so tired but you can't sleep, stuck in reverse.

So far, I've lived my life without any vice. I don't drink, I don't smoke, I don't club, nor gamble or indulge in promiscuity. Old soul, I am.. Perhaps. In my earlier days I questioned and wondered why I never took interest in any of those mentioned above. But now, I am totally comfortable and even proud that I have no vices. In fact, I'm so proud of it I can go around declaring none of my good friends smoke (but this could be because I don't have many good friends, but that number is still under 5 now).. I always famously say that I can't and won't date someone who smokes.

These few days have been trying, I'm sure. I think I'm the sort of person who needs to be in control, who needs to make the people I care about do the things I want cos I feel it's good for them. When I don't know what's happening in their lives it drives me nuts. I don't know what's happening in someone I care about's life now, what this person is thinking and doing. I'm extra concerned cos there is/was alcohol involved and I know this person didn't have a pleasant experience with alcohol before. I know if this goes on I will begin to doubt my trust and faith. I have already started to think, do I want someone who turns to the bottle when shit hits?

In my mind there is no reason that warrants numbing pain and sorrow with alcohol (or any sort of vice). It is a blatant excuse for the weak and while I am making exceptions because you are you, I really want you to know I won't tolerate it if this goes on. And if you ever let me find out you're lying or still doing it behind my back even after you say you've stopped then I am prepared to end this. Amidst the hurt knowing you can't share it with me or deal with it like an adult, is the realisation that I don't want someone like that in my life.

Perhaps it is unfortunate that I had to deal with death so early in my life, but I'd like to think of it as I had an early start to the realities of this world. You speak of death so lightly because you've never experienced it, until now. It is true though, what you've always said - everyone dies. It seems like you never know what you had until it's gone. I don't ever want to be gone for you to treasure me like you once did.

Tonight I met one of my favourite people in the world. He never, ever fails to make me very happy. We had a great time laughing, ranting, bitching and reminiscing. I feel very excited for the next chapter in his life and while talking to him, reignited my dreams.

He gave me something which I can't stop gushing over. It's a sketchbook, specifically made for fashion people. There are figure templates (not that I need them) for sketching clothes on, blank spec sheets and various information like care instructions, how-to-measure, standard measurements, fabric dictionary and even how-to-ties! Needless to say I'm very bowled over and I told him I'm gonna record the process of my label here which pleased him so (:

To think, all this cos I got him a tea pot for Christmas last <3

They make me grateful.

Grateful that I have people in my life who can make me laugh.

So tired, but had the best day in a very long time. We finally went to Salad Bar together, first time in 3 years. Felt really old, but she felt really young. Before we went over, we went to see Edmund, who amazingly remembers us. Mused about how many years its been, how fast time flies, how some of us ended up where.. Makes me grateful I'm where I am, doing what I do.

After getting our tehpeng, walked over to Mensa 2 in the rain under an umbrella. So many times we've walked this path together, the familiarity was bittersweet for me.

We ordered, once again being remembered. They had tomato soup today, one of my favourites from them. The total bill came up to $14.30. Boy do I miss those prices or what. We sat out by a familiar view, the soft rain calm and cooling. We had our dunch, taking our time, talking, laughing at cheesy ideas.

Then we hit the mall. Another thing we haven't done in the longest time. While discussing lunch, we decided that we needed to find 2 things, nail polish and t-shirts, both in Pearl Aqua. Combed through the malls and the Korean cosmetic shops. Found the nail polish at Face Shop, no luck with the t-shirt though ):

We took a really long detour at Popular. After getting what she needed, I decided to give the TYS a go. They still had our O level papers in the book, but I don't remember anything at all. Talked about how all the slogging and tuition has gone to waste, I forgot what are logarithms and quadratic equations. Had a good laugh over our grades. We didn't do too bad for ourselves now, did we?

Our next stop was the post office. All I'll say is £30. Hahahahahahahahha.

Then we contemplated catching a movie, since we haven't in such a long time (our last was HP7). But no romcoms were available and we didn't want to catch the Apes movie. So we did the next best thing - go to Comics Connection and fawned over fake idol merchandise.

We miss vintage SHINee. We came home and molested the sleeping cat. It was such a wonderful day, and it could only be this way cos I spent it with you.

Its been half a year since I last wrote here, guess I didn't have anything worth making the effort to write about. Maybe I've also forgotten how to write, how to pen my thoughts down. But the last week of late has really made me feel so fortunate and grateful for all I have.

Work has been difficult of late, and I have many thoughts and plans in my head. I suppose I'm now making what I hope to be the right decision. Many a time, it leaves me nothing to be happy about. I never expected work to get that bad, but it has, which is probably why I tend to want to lose myself at all the times outside of the job.

I've actually reached the point where I was in a rut. But this month made it special. I wasn't exactly looking forward to growing older though, but the amount of love I felt made me feel so grateful for everything I have around me.

First of all, to my dearest girlfriend, who got the the most frilly and superficial item ever. I do believe in another 5 years we'll look back on this phase and laugh ourselves silly. But for now, let's look forward to September with my baybee <3

Of course, I cannot forget my super chio friend who happens to be the only friend I've kept from school til now, and with reason too. I'm so grateful we still meet up at least once a month and be bimbotic and silly. I hope you find happiness with LPP but whatever it is, we'll always be friends.

And finally, the beautiful group of tweeple I've gotten to know better through much more frequent meetups and whatsapp.

Thank you Daphnick for the film and the awesome Hello Kitty card. The film will really become valuable memories after this trip.

Thank you Charles for the Yankee Candle and the rides. You really didn't have to but the fact that you did think the thought and carried it through really touched me. I mean, I don't even know you that well! Hah. But yes, I really appreciate it very much and I'm bringing the candle to work when I get back! HAHAHA.

Thank you June, for the Band of Brothers DVD set. THE MOST RANDOM BUT I CAN'T WAIT TO MARATHON THIS WITH YOU. So sweet of you to get me something, once again you didn't have to!

And to the rest of the Slugphiles, Mindy, Brennan, Ming Hann, Wee Kiat, Ruiqing and Gerard. Thanks for blowing one or both candles with me this year. You're all very early but I'm grateful <3

To my 2 favourite restos - Fo You Yuan, for the peach buns, noodles and angpow! And to The Garden Slug, for the alkie chocolate tart <3 Will always love you 2 lots and looking forward to more memories spent there. Coincidentally, I had a chocolate tart for my birthday last year too. Was it deliberate, Sophia? ;P

Last but not least, to Benny, who got me the Desigual shirt. I don't know why, but I'm so happy with it. You're a sweet boy and karma will smile upon you.

Okay I should head to bed. I don't know how else to express how loved I feel and how grateful I am. Thank you all so much. The gifts mean nothing if not for your friendship. I'm truly glad I met you lot.

Here's to more sausage discussions!

Just a quick, random one before I head to bed.

I always feel the action of something losing heat very depressing. Like how a bottle of warm water turns cold, the warm seats on a chilly bus turn cold, the warm sheets on the bed turn cold. A warm, living body turns cold when it dies.

I just associate this phenomenon to loss. No one likes to lose.